How do I give someone difficult feedback?
Give one specific example, say what effect it had, and agree what happens differently next time. Feedback fails when it is general ("your attitude"), stored up for weeks, or wrapped in so much praise that the person leaves the room unsure anything was wrong. Behaviour, effect, request, then stop talking.
Short answer
- 1Pick one recent, specific example rather than a list.
- 2Say the behaviour you saw, without interpreting their motives.
- 3Say the effect it had on the work or the people around it.
- 4Ask for one change, then stop and let them answer.
“In Tuesday's call you cut across Sam three times. It stopped the team raising problems. I need that to be different in the next one.”
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How to prepare
- Pick one example, the most recent and clearest. Not a list.
- Write the effect it had in one sentence. Effect is what makes it undeniable.
- Decide the single change you are asking for.
- Decide what you will do if they disagree with your account of it.
- Do it in private, and soon. Feedback that waits turns into an ambush.
What to say
Say it in the first thirty seconds. Long preambles make people brace, and by the time you reach the point they have stopped listening. Describe what you saw rather than what you assume they meant, because intent is arguable and behaviour is not.
How they might respond
“That is not what happened.”
Stay on the observable behaviour and the effect. Offer to check with others present rather than arguing about intent in the room.
“Blames someone else, or the situation.”
Acknowledge the part that is fair, then return to the piece they control. "That may all be true. The bit I need to change is yours."
“Gets upset or starts crying.”
Pause. Do not withdraw the feedback to make the moment easier. Offer to continue in a few minutes or later that day.
“Agrees flatly, with no real engagement.”
Ask what they will do differently, in their words, and agree a date to check in before you leave.
Common mistakes
- The compliment sandwich. People remember the bread.
- Saving it for a review, so it arrives as a list and feels like an ambush.
- Talking about character ("you're careless") rather than behaviour.
- Filling the silence after you have said it. Let them respond.
- Using an informal chat to do the work of a formal process, or the reverse.
Other ways to say it
- “I want to raise something from yesterday while it is fresh.”
- “Here is what I saw, and here is why it mattered. I would like your side of it.”
- “What would need to change for that to go differently next time?”
Common questions
Is the feedback sandwich a bad idea?
It usually is. Framing criticism between two compliments makes the message ambiguous, and people leave remembering the praise. Give the feedback plainly, and give genuine praise on its own at another time so it still means something.
How do I give feedback to someone more senior than me?
Ask permission first, keep it to one example, and frame the effect in terms of the outcome they care about rather than how it felt. Something like: "Can I share how that landed with the team?" gives them a way to say yes before you begin.
What if they cry?
Stop talking, give them a moment, and do not take the feedback back. Offer a short break or to pick it up later the same day. Softening the message to end the discomfort is the most common way this conversation gets wasted.
Should feedback be in writing?
Say it in person first, because tone carries most of the meaning. Follow up in writing when the change matters, when you have agreed specific actions, or when the issue may become part of a formal performance process.
When does this stop being feedback and become a formal process?
When performance has not changed after clear conversations, or when the behaviour involves bullying, discrimination or safety. At that point it belongs in your employer's performance or disciplinary procedure, not in an informal chat.
When to get proper support
If the behaviour involves bullying, discrimination or safety, it is not ordinary feedback. Involve HR before you have the conversation. In the UK, Acas sets out how performance and conduct issues should be handled and runs a free helpline. In the US, the EEOC covers discrimination and harassment complaints.
Sources
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